Today is my birthday. 9/11. a date that is now (since 2001) always mixed with sadness.
This year, I Can’t bring myself to celebrate it…
It’ll have to wait till my precious babies are home.
I feel like the void I have inside is just getting bigger.
I’m avoiding people. Don’t feel like all the “mazal Tov’s” are appropriate without having my girls with me to show. It doesn’t feel right without being able to show the fruits of my labour.
The kids will be off school at the end of this week, for 2 weeks. Excited to spend time with them. It’s what I’ve wanted to do all that time on bed rest…but, now I feel that I’ll just be even more torn between home and hospital..
I’m planning on spending Yom Kippur in the hospital.
Getting to the hospital and back is exhausting. Getting up every morning, I fill up my cooler with the freshly pumped breast milk that I’ve painstakingly collected, drop by drop. Then i Trek into j-m, to the hospital every day. All day. It’s tiring.
I feel like my strength and Emunah are constantly being tested. I don’t have much more in me. I know I have to find the koach, and I will, but it is hard. Getting so much harder.
This past Shabbat we spent time with friends who lost their first, full term, baby many years ago. They have a big beautiful family now, but their loss will always be a part of them. Speaking with them made us realize that we haven’t yet grieved our, born sleeping, baby b. Haven’t even named her. We are still, so much in survival mode. No room or time to grieve yet. Though it feels like it’s a growing need.
This journey called grief is new to me, it evolves… I keep going between my need to grieve, to my strong, fighting beauties in the Nicu, who need me. Now.
Thank g-d they’re here, and they need me!
I don’t know what will come next. I just know that writing this blog and sharing my feelings helps. Friends help. Hashem helps.
Chagim is an intense time for any family. I’m just feeling it so much more under these circumstances…
Blessing you all for a full, uplifting, empowering year of togetherness. Achdut. Health, happiness, peace and Shefa. May this year bring Inner peace to us all.
G’mar Chatima Tovah