Birthday Ponderings

Today is my birthday. 9/11. a date that is now (since 2001) always mixed with sadness.
This year, I Can’t bring myself to celebrate it…
It’ll have to wait till my precious babies are home.
I feel like the void I have inside is just getting bigger.
I’m avoiding people. Don’t feel like all the “mazal Tov’s” are appropriate without having my girls with me to show. It doesn’t feel right without being able to show the fruits of my labour.

The kids will be off school at the end of this week, for 2 weeks. Excited to spend time with them. It’s what I’ve wanted to do all that time on bed rest…but, now I feel that I’ll just be even more torn between home and hospital..
I’m planning on spending Yom Kippur in the hospital.
Getting to the hospital and back is exhausting. Getting up every morning, I fill up my cooler with the freshly pumped breast milk that I’ve painstakingly collected, drop by drop. Then i Trek into j-m, to the hospital every day. All day. It’s tiring.
I feel like my strength and Emunah are constantly being tested. I don’t have much more in me. I know I have to find the koach, and I will, but it is hard. Getting so much harder.
This past Shabbat we spent time with friends who lost their first, full term, baby many years ago. They have a big beautiful family now, but their loss will always be a part of them. Speaking with them made us realize that we haven’t yet grieved our, born sleeping, baby b. Haven’t even named her. We are still, so much in survival mode. No room or time to grieve yet. Though it feels like it’s a growing need.
This journey called grief is new to me, it evolves… I keep going between my need to grieve, to my strong, fighting beauties in the Nicu, who need me. Now.
Thank g-d they’re here, and they need me!
I don’t know what will come next. I just know that writing this blog and sharing my feelings helps. Friends help. Hashem helps.

Chagim is an intense time for any family. I’m just feeling it so much more under these circumstances…

Blessing you all for a full, uplifting, empowering year of togetherness. Achdut. Health, happiness, peace and Shefa. May this year bring Inner peace to us all.
G’mar Chatima Tovah

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7 thoughts on “Birthday Ponderings

  1. It’s a good idea to spend all of Yom Kippur in the hospital. The traveling must be awfully draining, physically, emotionally and spiritually. As long as the girls are gaining weight and showing signs of alertness. They need to sleep as they would have if they had been able to stay in the womb.
    May G-d give all of you health and strength, and G-d willing next year you’ll be blogging about the “difficulties” of chasing around two crawling babies.
    PS Love to your mother

  2. I’m sorry that what should be a happy time for you is so terribly difficult. Mourning your born sleeping baby, having to schlep with no car, trying to manage your household and other children, and getting through the holidays. . . it doesn’t seem fair when you should be sleeping and nursing and getting waited on as the new mother you are. My heart goes out to you, Geuliya.

  3. I wish you a wonderful new year in which you bring your babies home and watch them grow and develop. You must be so tired, emotionally and physically, but you will get through this.

  4. Wishing you a very good year with your babies and all the rest of your family. I know that it must be unbelievably difficult for you right now but know that, for what it’s worth, I admire you so much. I’m continuing to daven for you and your babies.

  5. hold on tight geuliya – every rollercoaster ride ends eventually & usually with hugs & smiles (PG). its a rough road – & you need to rest & grieve and dont have that luxury -so for now eat well (Lord knows that hospital mall has great food!) sleep as much as you are granted and keep writing & sharing…& when you cant manage any of that – just breathe and visualize yourself standing at mia and zoe’s bat mitzva surrounded by the rest of your smiling grown up family – see it – it will happen- , love to you and your yummies always

  6. Dear Geuliya, I do not even know you, but ever since I heard of your blog through a friend, I have been following it. You are touching so many people with your incredible story. May Hashem grant you only peace and tranquility from now on. Life with one newborn at home is hard, and you have so many other circumstances, so many things pulling you in all different directions. You must be a very strong woman.

  7. גאולה,
    אני קוראת בהתרגשות את הבלוג שלך,
    מתפללת בשביל כולכם ומאחלת שנה טובה ומתוקה למרות הכל,
    בטוחה שיש לך את הכוחות להתמודד עם האתגרים הגדולים האלה.
    רחלי

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