Routine

It’s been more than a few days since my last blog. Honestly, it’s been pretty boring around here. I guess that’s a good thing…
I started needle pointing. I feel like I’m channelling my grandmother..
I’ve met some other long term ‘bed rest’ ladies, we try and eat our lunches together every day.
I do some colored pencil mandalas each day.
The kids come for a visit a couple times a week.
Basically I try and have my own little routine going…

Chanan was here for a lovely Shabbat together. I feel like spending quality time with him fills me up, and gives me coach for a new week.
Some of his guy buddies are taking him out tonight for his birthday. I’m so happy he’ll get to vent some steam, and unwind a bit..

My eldest, Shireli is returning in a few days from a 6 week visit with family in New York. I can’t wait to see her. I want her to stop by on the way back from the airport, and bring up her suitcases, so we can go over all the clothes etc. she got while being there. Some precious mother-teenage daughter bonding time..can’t wait!

Today I’ve had friend after friend stop by for a visit. It’s been nice, and helps the day go by.
I find that a strange concept. Wanting each day to go by. In my ‘normal life’ i try and cherish the moment. Live life to the fullest. Here, I just hope for the days to go by, so that my babies can grow. Frankly, sometimes I feel like it would be nice if I could be put to sleep for 8-10 weeks, while my babies were growing inside of me…

I had another ultrasound this morning. All is well.
I have another scheduled for Wednesday evening. I plan to ask the Dr. for a pass, so I could possibly go home for Shabbat. I think chances are slim, but I can still fantasize, no?

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Another day under my belt

Being in this hospital women ward, I find myself stepping into my very natural born doula role. Since I’ve been here, I’ve met numerous ladies I’ve helped before, that were here for different reasons. At first, i didn’t have strength to take the supporting role. Now, It looks like I do…
A few days ago, at the ‘support group’ I met some first time pregnant Mammas that have been here on bed rest for months.
I gave them a little impromptu pre birthing class. A little of my ‘I believe’ birth Torah. Mainly helping them release some of the pent up fear that has accumulated during their stay here, working so hard keeping their babies safe.

Today, one of my special birthing ladies was admitted to the room next door to me. After many years of infertility, she gave birth with me a few years ago to a precious baby girl, . Her birth then was a beautiful, quick birth. It was as though after so many years of infertility, she didn’t need a long process to become a mother. She was ready. Her birth was quick, smooth and powerful.
Now, we meet here in the ward, where she is in the room next door miscarrying her 20 week boy fetus.
I had the privilege of holding her hand through the process. When I saw her baby, he was a perfect sleeping angel. It was amazing to get a glimpse into the mysteries of what lies in the womb during different stages of pregnancy. The fetus seemed so peaceful and calm, yet he wasn’t meant to stay in this world, just to pass through it.
It made me think of my baby B. She’s still perfect inside of me. She is still passing between the worlds. I feel very honored to have been chosen to carry her, along with her vibrant, heathy, strong sisters.

On another note, yesterday’s ultrasound showed my cervix to be the same length. Which is good news! Today’s ultrasound shows 2 perfect growing babies.

Chanan arranged a hairdresser to come and pamper me today.

Another good day under my belt!

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I am a vessel

Another week has come and gone. One more week under my belt. One more day of keeping the babies in. Every day is a mile stone.
Shabbat was interesting. Chanan came with my 2 youngest kids, and spent Shabbat with them at the hospital hotel. It was lovely seeing them for the entire Shabbat. They were desperate for some much needed solid Imma time.
It was very difficult though. The hospital is not a place for healthy, energetic little kiddies. It is frustrating how little I can do with them. Can’t lift them, can’t bend over to them. I can however still provide cuddles and kisses…
Fridays ultrasound was somewhat of a disappointment and a scare. I was praying that my cervix had possibly even lengthened, but unfortunately even with the hospital bed rest and meds, it has substantially shortened. I now have to rain laying down as much as possible. Sitting time is very limited. I’m still optimistic. Hoping and praying that my babies will cook for many more weeks. I’m doing all that is in my power. Having my mother take charge at home with my children helps me focus on my children within.
I received the steroid shots to help with their lung maturity on Friday and Shabbat.
Today we had a ‘support group’ in the ward of all the women that are on hospital bed rest. It was very encouraging meeting women who have been here 8 and 10 weeks and still holding their babes in. Granted, nobody else has 5 children awaiting them at home, during summer vacation…
Today, during Chanan’s visit (it is also his Hebrew birthday!) he had a minor break down. It is so hard for him. He is having trouble sleeping without me by his side. As am I…
Every day is a mile stone. Every day is one step forward.
Tomorrow I will have another ultrasound, I will update.
All your prayers, comments, and responses are tremendously helpful. I feel strong today. I feel that Hashem is carrying me and my babies through this. I feel like I am literally a vessel. It’s a strange feeling. I am not ill, yet I need to be here for my babies. I am a vessel My entire being is a uterus, nourishing my babies.

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Break away

My veins ache. So many things being pumped through them: zofran, pramin, saline to name a few. Strange feeling to actually feel your veins. I can say, however, that finally in the last couple of days (warning tmi), I haven’t thrown up. For the extent of this pregnancy thus far, i haven’t been able to keep food down at all. When you can’t enjoy food ,your ‘joy of life’ is gone. When even smells cause you to gag, there is no zest in life. Friends would offer to cook or buy anything i’d want, and i’d want nothing! So sad…
Today we took the heparin lock out, hopefully I’ll be able to swallow the pills orally. My veins needed a break.
During this hospital stay, I realized just how many things we take for granted. Now that I’ve literally moved into the hospital, and i am mostly laying in bed, with occasional wheel chair excursions, life sure looks different…
When I’m out in the wheel chair I get at times those sympathy looks…other times I feel like I’m in rush hour traffic, with people busily cutting me off.
I think everyone should spend a day in a wheel chair, just for some perspective…

Chanan and Nesh came this morning for a visit. It was hectic. We were trying to get mundane paper work in order (bills etc.).
It was a disaster! We pretty much bit each others heads off. This time is so incredibly stressful.

Today was Hodaya’s ballet recital as well. I felt so bad missing it. Stuck in the hospital, away from my loved ones. She’s been practicing so much for it. It meant the world to her.
I’ve been having fantasies of breaking out…flying back home. Probably waddling is more like it…

Tomorrow is another ultrasound to check cervical length. I’ll discuss with my Dr. lowering my contraction medication, to see how I react. Perhaps it’ll be a step in the direction of going home.
I know that i need to do what’s best for my babies, but I don’t think I’m strong enough to stay in the hospital, away from my kids. Every time I speak to Eden, my 4 year old, she asks me when I’m coming home. Today Shalevi said to me “I love you” on the phone for the very first time. I’ve been bawling ever since.
I pray that Hashem knows what he’s/she’s doing, and that I/we can make it through this.

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Newfound lightness

I decided to wait to write another blog till after Tishaa B’av. Felt like I needed to transition into a lighter time. Time of Geula. I’m trying my best to make the most out of this situation. Made my room feel as homey as possible. Sheets from home. Flowers. My walls are filled with my children’s drawings. They come to visit me a few times a week. A few days ago, they all came and showered here. I brushed their hair in my bed. Who knew normal mundane mommy tasks could be so enjoyable?!.. They all put pj’s on, and we ate dinner together in the wards ‘family room’. Trying to create new normal family life. Today they came to visit. All came into the room for my ultrasound. They got to see the babies for the first time. Shalev just kept on saying: “wow, wow”. Too cute!!
Dr. yuval gave them all their own 3d printout of baby C. we’ve kind of unintentionally been leaving her out, for a while.
We headed back to my room and all took a 2 hour nap together. It was wonderful. The nurses walked in, and were so impressed..
Then my incredible husband took them all to the zoo (while fasting!). Did I mention he truly is one of a kind?..

I’m starting to enjoy the new feeling of movements inside. It is different than how I felt before, with all 3 moving around.
Now, I can clearly distinguish between my 2 wiggling babies. Their movements make me happy. Yesterday I found myself singing aloud to them in the shower. Made me smile.

The main hurdle now, is to keep them in. I’m still having a lot of ‘uteran activity’. It looks like I’ll be getting steroid shots on Friday to help with their lung development, in case Hashem has plans for them to come sooner than later. I’m feeling mostly positive. All I can do, is my best…
Sending good vibes out to all of you.

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Surrendering

Sunday. A new week has begun. Had a quiet Shabbat. Truthfully it felt so loooong and mostly boring. Happened to meet a friend who was hospitalized here over Shabbat, so we had meals together with our husbands.
Chanan took me out for an afternoon Shabbat stroll. It was lovely hearing kids laughter (even their cry) from the hospital playground. I really do miss my kids. Every time they come for a visit, my son Shalev (22 months) climes into bed with me, and lays on top of me, soaking me in. Pure Bliss…Yesterday, my Imma told me, he walked around the house, opening doors looking for me. I see how this situation is affecting each and every one of my beautiful children. My eldest is in New York visiting family. She feels very far away. She’s still able to console me… My 9 year old wants me home in bed, where she can check on me and take care of me. My 6 year old, said that she’s relieved that now we’ll be able to tell the babies apart…she now has scary dreams, last night, when Chanan stayed in the hospital with me, she called at 5 am to say she couldn’t sleep…My 4 year old is crying more, and has a hard time going to camp, which is worrisome especially because she is quite the social butterfly…
I know we will all make it. Even during this time that our home life and routine is so disrupted. I must trust in the strong foundation of love we’ve put down.

During Today’s ultrasound baby A looked good. Moving around a lot. Her signs of Anemia subsided. It’s hard, because every time we look at Baby A, there is baby B beside her. So close. Sometimes it looks like she’s moving. I know in my mind that that’s just the amniotic fluid rippling, but my heart takes a second glance.
I keep hoping that her heartbeat will miraculously appear. Hoping that my love for her, will be enough to somehow revive her. I think that perhaps only at the birth (which should be in a very long time, Be”h), when I see her, It’ll fully sink in that she is gone.
I’ve been on medication to stop contractions since the surgery.
Today’s ultrasound showed that my cervix has substantially shortened. Looks like I’ll be here for a while…I’m surrendering to it.

It’s hard attempting to run my household by remote control. I guess I shouldn’t try. I have to let go of control. My job is now watching over these babies inside, keeping them safe. Keeping them in. As long as I possibly can.
Please continue praying for us:
Geuliyah Shomrona Bat Leah Rachel
גאולה שומרונה בת לאה רחל

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Can’t seem to stop the tears

Today is a hard day. I can’t seem to stop the tears flowing down my cheeks.
I’m surrendering to them. I’m sad. Sad for my sweet baby B. I miss her movements. Her kicks. Her wiggling. It was always hard for me to tell if I was feeling baby A or B. Now it’s clear… I feel a void. In my uterus and in my heart. I feel empty. I know i am blessed with 2 more Neshamas living inside me.

I can’t help but wonder, what if…
I’m also scared. Worried about my other girlies inside. I still have such a long road ahead…
I miss my children at home. I’m also scared to go home.
I feel safe in the hospital. At home I always end up doing more than I should…I also drive everyone around me insane. Expecting the same high standard, I keep for the home. Nobody can stay on-top of the laundry, dishes, floors, bathrooms, kids quite like me. Actually my Mom comes pretty close…
Thank you Imma.
Chanan does his very best, which is really pretty great. But, you know, he’s still an Abba, not an Imma.
While at home, on bed rest, he would bring me up breakfast to bed every morning. Usually I couldn’t eat it. Sometimes he’d try and make me something else. Before he’d leave, he’d bring up a cooler full of options. So I had everything I might need right beside me. He really is the most thoughtful, loving, supportive husband (and father) I could imagine. He came with me to all my Dr. Appointments and ultrasounds. For all my pregnancies. We are partners.
In these last weeks he’s been juggling between his fathers hospital bed, my bed, and taking care of 5 kids. He never once complained.
Now, that he lost his Abba. I don’t even know if he’s had time or space to process. I’ve been so needy…
Of course, as any good jewish woman, I feel guilty about that as well. It’s been such a tough road. I hope we have the Koach (strength) to do this. Together.
I’m looking out the window at those majestic, hypnotic rolling green hills. Letting my soul soar with them.
I’m looking at a beautiful plant my Father bought me yesterday, to put in my hospital room. It does help. Somewhat…

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