Routine

It’s been more than a few days since my last blog. Honestly, it’s been pretty boring around here. I guess that’s a good thing…
I started needle pointing. I feel like I’m channelling my grandmother..
I’ve met some other long term ‘bed rest’ ladies, we try and eat our lunches together every day.
I do some colored pencil mandalas each day.
The kids come for a visit a couple times a week.
Basically I try and have my own little routine going…

Chanan was here for a lovely Shabbat together. I feel like spending quality time with him fills me up, and gives me coach for a new week.
Some of his guy buddies are taking him out tonight for his birthday. I’m so happy he’ll get to vent some steam, and unwind a bit..

My eldest, Shireli is returning in a few days from a 6 week visit with family in New York. I can’t wait to see her. I want her to stop by on the way back from the airport, and bring up her suitcases, so we can go over all the clothes etc. she got while being there. Some precious mother-teenage daughter bonding time..can’t wait!

Today I’ve had friend after friend stop by for a visit. It’s been nice, and helps the day go by.
I find that a strange concept. Wanting each day to go by. In my ‘normal life’ i try and cherish the moment. Live life to the fullest. Here, I just hope for the days to go by, so that my babies can grow. Frankly, sometimes I feel like it would be nice if I could be put to sleep for 8-10 weeks, while my babies were growing inside of me…

I had another ultrasound this morning. All is well.
I have another scheduled for Wednesday evening. I plan to ask the Dr. for a pass, so I could possibly go home for Shabbat. I think chances are slim, but I can still fantasize, no?

Another day under my belt

Being in this hospital women ward, I find myself stepping into my very natural born doula role. Since I’ve been here, I’ve met numerous ladies I’ve helped before, that were here for different reasons. At first, i didn’t have strength to take the supporting role. Now, It looks like I do…
A few days ago, at the ‘support group’ I met some first time pregnant Mammas that have been here on bed rest for months.
I gave them a little impromptu pre birthing class. A little of my ‘I believe’ birth Torah. Mainly helping them release some of the pent up fear that has accumulated during their stay here, working so hard keeping their babies safe.

Today, one of my special birthing ladies was admitted to the room next door to me. After many years of infertility, she gave birth with me a few years ago to a precious baby girl, . Her birth then was a beautiful, quick birth. It was as though after so many years of infertility, she didn’t need a long process to become a mother. She was ready. Her birth was quick, smooth and powerful.
Now, we meet here in the ward, where she is in the room next door miscarrying her 20 week boy fetus.
I had the privilege of holding her hand through the process. When I saw her baby, he was a perfect sleeping angel. It was amazing to get a glimpse into the mysteries of what lies in the womb during different stages of pregnancy. The fetus seemed so peaceful and calm, yet he wasn’t meant to stay in this world, just to pass through it.
It made me think of my baby B. She’s still perfect inside of me. She is still passing between the worlds. I feel very honored to have been chosen to carry her, along with her vibrant, heathy, strong sisters.

On another note, yesterday’s ultrasound showed my cervix to be the same length. Which is good news! Today’s ultrasound shows 2 perfect growing babies.

Chanan arranged a hairdresser to come and pamper me today.

Another good day under my belt!

I am a vessel

Another week has come and gone. One more week under my belt. One more day of keeping the babies in. Every day is a mile stone.
Shabbat was interesting. Chanan came with my 2 youngest kids, and spent Shabbat with them at the hospital hotel. It was lovely seeing them for the entire Shabbat. They were desperate for some much needed solid Imma time.
It was very difficult though. The hospital is not a place for healthy, energetic little kiddies. It is frustrating how little I can do with them. Can’t lift them, can’t bend over to them. I can however still provide cuddles and kisses…
Fridays ultrasound was somewhat of a disappointment and a scare. I was praying that my cervix had possibly even lengthened, but unfortunately even with the hospital bed rest and meds, it has substantially shortened. I now have to rain laying down as much as possible. Sitting time is very limited. I’m still optimistic. Hoping and praying that my babies will cook for many more weeks. I’m doing all that is in my power. Having my mother take charge at home with my children helps me focus on my children within.
I received the steroid shots to help with their lung maturity on Friday and Shabbat.
Today we had a ‘support group’ in the ward of all the women that are on hospital bed rest. It was very encouraging meeting women who have been here 8 and 10 weeks and still holding their babes in. Granted, nobody else has 5 children awaiting them at home, during summer vacation…
Today, during Chanan’s visit (it is also his Hebrew birthday!) he had a minor break down. It is so hard for him. He is having trouble sleeping without me by his side. As am I…
Every day is a mile stone. Every day is one step forward.
Tomorrow I will have another ultrasound, I will update.
All your prayers, comments, and responses are tremendously helpful. I feel strong today. I feel that Hashem is carrying me and my babies through this. I feel like I am literally a vessel. It’s a strange feeling. I am not ill, yet I need to be here for my babies. I am a vessel My entire being is a uterus, nourishing my babies.

Break away

My veins ache. So many things being pumped through them: zofran, pramin, saline to name a few. Strange feeling to actually feel your veins. I can say, however, that finally in the last couple of days (warning tmi), I haven’t thrown up. For the extent of this pregnancy thus far, i haven’t been able to keep food down at all. When you can’t enjoy food ,your ‘joy of life’ is gone. When even smells cause you to gag, there is no zest in life. Friends would offer to cook or buy anything i’d want, and i’d want nothing! So sad…
Today we took the heparin lock out, hopefully I’ll be able to swallow the pills orally. My veins needed a break.
During this hospital stay, I realized just how many things we take for granted. Now that I’ve literally moved into the hospital, and i am mostly laying in bed, with occasional wheel chair excursions, life sure looks different…
When I’m out in the wheel chair I get at times those sympathy looks…other times I feel like I’m in rush hour traffic, with people busily cutting me off.
I think everyone should spend a day in a wheel chair, just for some perspective…

Chanan and Nesh came this morning for a visit. It was hectic. We were trying to get mundane paper work in order (bills etc.).
It was a disaster! We pretty much bit each others heads off. This time is so incredibly stressful.

Today was Hodaya’s ballet recital as well. I felt so bad missing it. Stuck in the hospital, away from my loved ones. She’s been practicing so much for it. It meant the world to her.
I’ve been having fantasies of breaking out…flying back home. Probably waddling is more like it…

Tomorrow is another ultrasound to check cervical length. I’ll discuss with my Dr. lowering my contraction medication, to see how I react. Perhaps it’ll be a step in the direction of going home.
I know that i need to do what’s best for my babies, but I don’t think I’m strong enough to stay in the hospital, away from my kids. Every time I speak to Eden, my 4 year old, she asks me when I’m coming home. Today Shalevi said to me “I love you” on the phone for the very first time. I’ve been bawling ever since.
I pray that Hashem knows what he’s/she’s doing, and that I/we can make it through this.

Newfound lightness

I decided to wait to write another blog till after Tishaa B’av. Felt like I needed to transition into a lighter time. Time of Geula. I’m trying my best to make the most out of this situation. Made my room feel as homey as possible. Sheets from home. Flowers. My walls are filled with my children’s drawings. They come to visit me a few times a week. A few days ago, they all came and showered here. I brushed their hair in my bed. Who knew normal mundane mommy tasks could be so enjoyable?!.. They all put pj’s on, and we ate dinner together in the wards ‘family room’. Trying to create new normal family life. Today they came to visit. All came into the room for my ultrasound. They got to see the babies for the first time. Shalev just kept on saying: “wow, wow”. Too cute!!
Dr. yuval gave them all their own 3d printout of baby C. we’ve kind of unintentionally been leaving her out, for a while.
We headed back to my room and all took a 2 hour nap together. It was wonderful. The nurses walked in, and were so impressed..
Then my incredible husband took them all to the zoo (while fasting!). Did I mention he truly is one of a kind?..

I’m starting to enjoy the new feeling of movements inside. It is different than how I felt before, with all 3 moving around.
Now, I can clearly distinguish between my 2 wiggling babies. Their movements make me happy. Yesterday I found myself singing aloud to them in the shower. Made me smile.

The main hurdle now, is to keep them in. I’m still having a lot of ‘uteran activity’. It looks like I’ll be getting steroid shots on Friday to help with their lung development, in case Hashem has plans for them to come sooner than later. I’m feeling mostly positive. All I can do, is my best…
Sending good vibes out to all of you.

Surrendering

Sunday. A new week has begun. Had a quiet Shabbat. Truthfully it felt so loooong and mostly boring. Happened to meet a friend who was hospitalized here over Shabbat, so we had meals together with our husbands.
Chanan took me out for an afternoon Shabbat stroll. It was lovely hearing kids laughter (even their cry) from the hospital playground. I really do miss my kids. Every time they come for a visit, my son Shalev (22 months) climes into bed with me, and lays on top of me, soaking me in. Pure Bliss…Yesterday, my Imma told me, he walked around the house, opening doors looking for me. I see how this situation is affecting each and every one of my beautiful children. My eldest is in New York visiting family. She feels very far away. She’s still able to console me… My 9 year old wants me home in bed, where she can check on me and take care of me. My 6 year old, said that she’s relieved that now we’ll be able to tell the babies apart…she now has scary dreams, last night, when Chanan stayed in the hospital with me, she called at 5 am to say she couldn’t sleep…My 4 year old is crying more, and has a hard time going to camp, which is worrisome especially because she is quite the social butterfly…
I know we will all make it. Even during this time that our home life and routine is so disrupted. I must trust in the strong foundation of love we’ve put down.

During Today’s ultrasound baby A looked good. Moving around a lot. Her signs of Anemia subsided. It’s hard, because every time we look at Baby A, there is baby B beside her. So close. Sometimes it looks like she’s moving. I know in my mind that that’s just the amniotic fluid rippling, but my heart takes a second glance.
I keep hoping that her heartbeat will miraculously appear. Hoping that my love for her, will be enough to somehow revive her. I think that perhaps only at the birth (which should be in a very long time, Be”h), when I see her, It’ll fully sink in that she is gone.
I’ve been on medication to stop contractions since the surgery.
Today’s ultrasound showed that my cervix has substantially shortened. Looks like I’ll be here for a while…I’m surrendering to it.

It’s hard attempting to run my household by remote control. I guess I shouldn’t try. I have to let go of control. My job is now watching over these babies inside, keeping them safe. Keeping them in. As long as I possibly can.
Please continue praying for us:
Geuliyah Shomrona Bat Leah Rachel
גאולה שומרונה בת לאה רחל

Can’t seem to stop the tears

Today is a hard day. I can’t seem to stop the tears flowing down my cheeks.
I’m surrendering to them. I’m sad. Sad for my sweet baby B. I miss her movements. Her kicks. Her wiggling. It was always hard for me to tell if I was feeling baby A or B. Now it’s clear… I feel a void. In my uterus and in my heart. I feel empty. I know i am blessed with 2 more Neshamas living inside me.

I can’t help but wonder, what if…
I’m also scared. Worried about my other girlies inside. I still have such a long road ahead…
I miss my children at home. I’m also scared to go home.
I feel safe in the hospital. At home I always end up doing more than I should…I also drive everyone around me insane. Expecting the same high standard, I keep for the home. Nobody can stay on-top of the laundry, dishes, floors, bathrooms, kids quite like me. Actually my Mom comes pretty close…
Thank you Imma.
Chanan does his very best, which is really pretty great. But, you know, he’s still an Abba, not an Imma.
While at home, on bed rest, he would bring me up breakfast to bed every morning. Usually I couldn’t eat it. Sometimes he’d try and make me something else. Before he’d leave, he’d bring up a cooler full of options. So I had everything I might need right beside me. He really is the most thoughtful, loving, supportive husband (and father) I could imagine. He came with me to all my Dr. Appointments and ultrasounds. For all my pregnancies. We are partners.
In these last weeks he’s been juggling between his fathers hospital bed, my bed, and taking care of 5 kids. He never once complained.
Now, that he lost his Abba. I don’t even know if he’s had time or space to process. I’ve been so needy…
Of course, as any good jewish woman, I feel guilty about that as well. It’s been such a tough road. I hope we have the Koach (strength) to do this. Together.
I’m looking out the window at those majestic, hypnotic rolling green hills. Letting my soul soar with them.
I’m looking at a beautiful plant my Father bought me yesterday, to put in my hospital room. It does help. Somewhat…

A New Day

Today is a new day. It’s amazing what a good nights sleep can do. A close friend came to visit last night. I got to go get wheeled out into the fresh crisp cool Jerusalem air. The hospital is surrounded by the most beautiful green hills. The day of the surgery (tues.), when the wait to go down to the O.R. was driving me crazy, Chanan wheeled me outside, and we both said Tehilim (Psalms). That moment of prayer “אשא עיני אל ההרים, מאין יבוא עזרי״
‘I’ll raise my eyes up to the mountains, where shall my salvation appear’.
Lifting my eyes, and being surrounded by these beautiful Jerusalem mountains, moved me. I knew Hashem was with me.
I feel like I need to back up and rewind a bit. This blog has spontaneously appeared. I wrote the first post, as a private journal entry, just for me, to decompress before the surgery. While I was in surgery, Chanan was getting phone calls from our loved ones, who were concerned and wanted to be updated. He decided that puting it up as a blog would be the best way. I had been thinking of writing a blog for some time. This pregnancy feels too big and miraculous to me to keep it to myself, I needed to share it. I felt like it had a great purpose. I’ve been very I’ll and weak most of this pregnancy thus far. For the first few months I managed to treat (acupuncture, herbs, massage etc.), doula and teach childbirth education classes. My work is my life, my passion. It defines me. It is a part of me, it is who I am. Being pregnant with triplets, forced me to let go of my control, at my constant attempts to be superwoman. Trying to balance my treatments and births with my home life, My amazing 5 children and one of a kind supportive husband.
I had the privilege of being able to leave for a birth, at any hour, at a moments notice, because I have my husband to swoop in and pick up where I left off.
Now, in these last weeks I’ve been put on strict bed rest by Dr. G. I had to focus solely on these babies. My body was doing so much. Of course, at first I
was in denial, and continued to schedule more treatments, but the last couple of weeks it was clear to me, that i couldn’t work anymore. I had to listen to my body, just like I tell my clients.
Two weeks ago, my husband lost his father after a long battle with cancer. Shivaa started on Sunday. That was the same day I was sent to the hospital, and baby B was diagnosed with acsites (Swelling in her abdomen). Both baby A and B appeared to have excess amniotic fluid. By tues. baby B was very sick. She had hydrops, but no other clear signs of TTTS were visible. When I was 14 weeks pregnant, they seemed to have severe TTTS, baby B was whats known as a ‘Stuck twin’ the donor to her recipient sister baby A. It was too early for surgery. We had to wait and pray. By 16 weeks it had miraculously worked out. Now, it seems like the dreadful TTTS was back with a vengeance. Baby A and B switched roles (I guess they were really trying to share..), and baby B was deteriorating quickly. I had to make big decisions.
Do we do nothing and wait it out? Most likely baby B would die very soon, and might cause serious harm to baby A. Do we Clamp baby B’s cord to save baby A? Do we give both baby A and B an injection to their heart, and end their life in order to save baby C? or, do we go for the heroic effort to separate their shared blood vessels, in order to give them a fighting chance, and protect baby A if baby B doesn’t make it?
Though any intrauterine surgery endangers baby C along with the entire pregnancy.
My first clear instinct was to do nothing until Chanan was up from Shivaa. That was a choice. A choice to wait and hope and pray for improvement, and make decisions the following week. It gave us and Dr.G a little extra time to think. Although, during that long, nerve-wracking week, there was great risk of loosing baby A and B. We consulted a dear trusted Mekubal, Rav Toib, who said: “Find a Dr. You trust, and listen to him”. (Rav Toib was the person who told us to add the hebrew letter ‘Yod’ to my name, changing it from Geula to Geuliyah. Changing my name, and thus my energy and mazal. In addition he told us from the start that I was carrying three girls).

We felt we were in the hands of a skilled angel, in Dr. Gialchinsky’s care.
After the Shivaa, Chanan and i were able to discuss our options. We decided that even though we could be putting the entire pregnancy at risk, we had to go the laser surgery route and try along with the medical experts to do our best for our babies, and the rest would be in G-d’s hands. I wasn’t sure what Dr. G wanted to do. he had said that he had to think it over 100 times. Finally he called me, after speaking with his Mentor with whom he worked closely, Dr. Kypros Nicolaides from Kings College Hospital. He felt that we should do the laser surgery. I was thrilled that we were on the same page. Just as Rav Toib had said, we were going to listen to him (along with taking responsibility for the decisions that we make).

I guess this all fills you in with the process we were going through up until the first blog.

Today, we checked on baby A’s flows. Baby A is doing well. She looks a bit anemic. We are closely monitoring her. She also may have had TAPS, an anemic disorder between identical twins.
I was hoping to be released today, but Dr. G feels (and I agree with him) that I should stay in the hospital until things are more stable. I’m on medication to stop contractions till Saturday night, when we’ll stop it and see how my body reacts without. Dr. G’s fear is that pre-term labor could come on quite suddenly and very quickly. Once it starts it could be hard to stop.
So it looks like we are here for now…
I did manage to use some of my “protektzia” and scored a beautiful private room (thanks to head nurse Orit).
Some little part of me, well really a big part of me, can’t help but wonder if we made the right choice. Should we have waited, not done the procedure and let time take it’s course? Or had we have done the procedure a week earlier would the out come have been different?
I do believe that Hashem is orchestrating it all, it’s out of our hands.

I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and prayers from people all over. It has been amazing to read the comments and messages from people telling me how reading about our journey has affected them or helped them in one way or the other. I didn’t plan for this, it just seemed like a good therapeutic way to process my thoughts and make some sense out of this whole thing.
With that being said, thank you all for your support, for following, reading and sharing this blog. There are many thousands in over 15 countries reading my posts. Being as I haven’t been able to work for sometime, it is also giving me and this whole process purpose. Aside from keeping theses babies in, This is now my work. My labour of love. I am truly grateful.
Shabbat Shalom from Jerusalem.

One day at a time

This post feels like the hardest one to write so far. As I write this, I have a contraction monitor strapped to my belly. I have been getting Zofran intravenously, but I’m still not able to keep anything down. So drained. I’m still very much in shock. a range of emotions passing through me. I go from crying, to feeling numb to using dark humor.
I haven’t been able to sleep these last nights in the hospital. My mind is racing. My heart pounding. Physically I’m wiped out as well.
I’m overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support around me. Even the Dr.’s, nurses, midwives that know me from doula’ing have been incredible, Sensitive and supportive. It turns out that the head nurse on shift yesterday, who I gave support to in her previous pregnancy, is pregnant again. She was counting on me to assist her again, I told her, that women apparently are and will have to manage without me…
Last night my friend, and soul sister, came to spend the night with me. Another close friend couldn’t stay away..and brought me a cozy soft down blanket that makes me feel at home, while in the hospital bed.
We cried, laughed, processed and talked practically through the night.
We took a stroll (me being pushed in a wheelchair) outside and sat by the grass. We called my Eldest daughter Shirel who is off visiting family in America, to tell her what happened. I could not believe how deep, wise and profound she is. So understanding. Only 12 and half, but wise beyond her years. She said “it’s ok Imma, it’s all in Hashem’s hands”.
Chanan only went home after midnight.
This morning 2 other dear friends came to hang out. They all escorted me, with Chanan, down to the ultrasound to check on baby A.
My wonderful Dr, Dr. G (Gialchinsky) Invited them in (after checking with me) to see the ultrasound. When I told him that I hadn’t been feeling baby A that day, only the night before, I saw the tension in his face. He was worried.
He is so sensitive. He automatically started the ultrasound with checking out baby C, So that way we would start out with good news. We immediately saw her heartbeat. As Dr G passed the ultrasound probe over baby B, it was clear that she was no longer with us, no flashing red and blue of the blood flow, no flutter of the chambers in the heart opening and closing. No kicking, punching or caressing her sister in the sack next door. And no heartbeat. It’s final and I’m going to have to accept it. Somehow.
As he moved to the right, to baby A, and we immediately saw her heart beating, Dr G actually breathed out an audible sigh of relief, while wiping off his brow. The bladder was visibly larger and flows in the umbilical cord and brain were looking ok. If baby A shows signs of anemia, she can get a blood transfusion directly into her cord. Modern medicine is mind blowing. We will follow up to see how my cervix is doing tomorrow. If things look good, there is a chance I’ll be able to go home, if I choose so.
I keep thinking of how baby A would feel growing up. Will she feel like there is something missing? Will she know what a wonderful sister she had? A sister that shared her DNA. A sister that held out till after surgery was done, and passed away with such grace, such delicate sensitive timing, that her passing would now, be”h have less of a detrimental affect on her identical twin. Baby B saved her sisters life.
How will I feel looking at my dear growing daughter, knowing that there is a carbon copy of her missing…
How will I feel carrying her still body inside me for the next few months?
Will there always be this void in my heart? I do feel Blessed though. Hashem has granted me with so much. Strength and Emunah that keep coming from an even deeper place. I feel this journey is my teacher. Making me grow. Be more precise. Forcing me to remove my klipot, my shells or masks. I expect the same from people around me. I am so sensitive at this time to energy. I want to be surrounded by truth and love.
Some people just don’t get it. Oh, I am brutally honest these days…So if I’ve been harsh to anyone, please forgive me.
This afternoon hit like a hurricane. My parents, brother in law, sister in law, nephew, mother in law and dear children all rushed in. It was wonderful seeing the gang, but I realized just how little energy I have. Even speaking is hard, when you’re struggling not to throw up.
Now, I do however, have beautiful pictures to hang around my room…
Hoping to finally clear my mind and sleep tonight, though my room mate’s husband who snores very loudly just walked in to spend the night. He wakes up at 5 am to go to work (after hitting snooze 10 times in a row..). Oy..
Feeling this bad physically and emotionally doesn’t give me much tolerance and I am biting Chanan’s head off every minute.
Did I mention how amazing he is? I promise to elaborate in my next post.
So for now, it’s not only one day at a time, it’s one minute at a time.

״לכל זמן ועת תחת השמיים..״

Tree of Life

Waiting for surgery was excruciating.

I fasted from the night before, as per classic hospital protocol, I was taken into surgery 2 hours late.
This pregnant Mama doesn’t do well without water and few crackers…
I was finally taken down to the OR (operating room) at 11:30 am.

Even though I’m a Mama of five, I’ve never had an epidural or spinal before. My awesome, hand-picked OR team consisted of 2 nursing students, 2 medical students, 2 anesthesiologists, a nicu dr, 2 OR nurses and 2 of the top OBGyn neo-natal specialists, Dr. Yuval Gialchinsky and Dr. Nili Yanai.

My anesthesiologist “Dan,” who also happens to dive from 80 feet into a small pool of water -sometimes on fire- (that’s his other job) says he’s an expert in “risk management.” He was so kind and funny and flirty, at times I felt like he was my doula. He checked my pulse from time to time and that human connection, that gentle touch was so grounding in stark contrast to the intense prodding in my uterus. When the oxygen mask was uncomfortable on my face, he noticed immediately and held it above me midair for the duration of the surgery.

Such is the work of a doula, being able to intuitively recognize the needs of others before they’re even voiced it.

TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) is pretty rare, as is laser qablation surgery, especially in Israel. Baby B was very sick. She has hydrops – swollen abdomen, chest and enlarged heart. She was in heart failure. This surgery was her last hope.
Baby A was sick as well, this condition causes both twins to suffer and is equally life threatening to both. Prepping for the spinal was so surreal. I’ve helped countless of women in labor go through this, but I’ve never been on this side.

I heard my own voice in my head with the words I say to my birthing ladies “chin to chest, drop your shoulders, breathe, you’re in good hands, keep breathing nice and slow, I’m right here with you.”
I didn’t like the sensation of a needle in my back. I just closed my eyes and tried to relax, breathing deeply, in and out for my babies.
When it was over, I laid down and planned to watch the laser procedure. “This should be cool'” I thought- my body as a science project. Dr. Yuval was cool with my watching.. They even let me keep my glasses on, a big “No-No” in the O.R.
But as hard as I tried, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. My blood pressure was dropping, I needed oxygen. I was hot and clammy, it took my entire focus to keep breathing.

I felt surrounded by good people who were trying their hardest to save my babies and keep me safe. I was in and out of a lot of different realities, all the while pulsing light, love, prayers and healing energies to my babies.

The surgery was longer than expected. Around 3 hours in total. Baby A and Baby B shared many large blood vessels. It was difficult for the surgeon to navigate between the babies and blood vessels.
(For those of you curious about the more medical aspects of this, he injected my uterus with approximately 1/2 liter of saline to make navigation easier – and removed 2 liters of amniotic fluid at the end).

It was painstakingly slow journey. One micro-laser step at a time.
By the end of the procedure, Baby A was moving around and looking good. Baby B was struggling, She had bradicardia (a decelerated heartbeat). I think both doctors sensed at this point that Baby B wasn’t going to make it.

Even though an ultrasound was scheduled for tomorrow morning, Dr. Yuval knew how much it meant to me to check on them – and in retrospect, I think he knew I that I needed to know what he probably already did know.

Once he placed the ultrasound probe on the lower left side of my belly, home of Baby B, it was clear to Dr. Yuval and Chanan that Baby B hadn’t made it. We lost her. I however,I needed a double and triple look, asking the doctor to please check again… If I’m really being honest, as crazy as I know it is, I’m still hoping there will be a heart beat tomorrow… not even a little bit of me hopes for that, like, all of me…

I can’t quite comprehend all these words yet. She’s still inside me. I will carry her until delivery. She had a footprint in this world. A stamp in my heart. A reason for being inside of me, along with her identical and fraternal sisters.
She will always be my daughter who I love very much and I will always be her Imma.
Baby A looked good and strong. Yuval already saw improvements in her. She too was fighting the TTTS. She still needs our prayers. We will check on her tomorrow.

Baby C is happily oblivious.

Chanan and I know that this is what we needed to do. This was a last chance, heroic effort for Baby B. Now that they are separated, there is more chance for Baby A to come through this strong.
Please continue to keep us in your hearts and prayers. In
any form that you connect with.

I’m going to keep this blog named “Triplet Journey.” This will forever be our triplet journey.

“Hashem Natan, Hashem l’akach, Yehi Shem Hashem Mevorach”
השם נתן השם לקח יהי שם השם מבורך

Saw this tree in the lobby of the hospital on my way back to my room after the surgery. Wondering if this intertwined trunk speaks to everyone or is it just me