The last day of summer vacation

This is the first chance I’ve had to write..
I’m balancing between my 5 kids at home, my 2 in the Nicu, along with trying to have something to give to Chanan as well. Boy does he deserve some much needed TLC…
I’ve been going in to the Nicu every day and spending many hours there.
I’m driving myself in, though i just learnt that I’m not suppose to drive after a c section! i dont think any of the rules apply to a mother of preemies…
It feels right for me to be there, in the Nicu right by my babies. There really isn’t another place I’d rather be. I’m still healing from the c section. Still extremely hormonal. It doesn’t feel natural to have given birth and be separated from my babies. I just want to study their every feature, watch their every breath. Place my loving hands on them. Cuddle them. Get to know them. Even though I do feel like I’ve known them forever. I’ve felt their energy, who they are, long before they were born.
I am also still very much grieving my baby b. It’s not during a certain time of day. It’s a feeling that is always there, intertwined with all my other emotions. It’s an emptiness, a void that is at times muted in the background, and at times pulling loudly in my chest. Basically I’m a basket case at any given moment..
The last few days have been very scary. First Zoey got sick. She was having a hard time breathing, and her color seemed gray. It happened on wednesday, the morning after I was released from the hospital. I had an argument with Chanan that morning. He had wanted me to rest, heal. To stay in bed for the day. He would bring my milk to the hospital, to the girls. I couldn’t stay home. As much as I needed and wanted to. My place is by Mia and Zoey’s side. I walked in to the Nicu that morning with the Dr’s all standing around Zoey’s incubator. They were taking blood, doing a spinal tap, starting her on antibiotics. Taking all precautions. Of course I was terrified, and very emotional. Goldy the social worker came to sit by my side. Thank g-d they caught it early. Zoey had a staf infection, but is responding well to antibiotics.
That night, Chanan came to visit the girls, and Mia started having difficulty breathing. She too had a slew of tests done, she too has an infection. A bacterial infection called klabsiala. It can be antibiotic resistant, but thank g-d Mia is being a good girl, and is also responding well to the antibiotics. I feel like I’ve been having 50 heart attacks a day with them. I am trying to trust them. They are strong. They can do this. It gives me a lot of comfort knowing how many people are praying for them around the world.

On Shabbat I was home. I needed to rest. Gain strength for the new coming week, and all the adventures to come.
It is wonderful being surrounded by my family, but it is hard still being so limited around them. There is still so much I can’t do… Shalev, after seeing my incision scar, came over with a tissue to rub on my “bubu”. He’s been so yummy. He has a whole new and growing vocabulary I need to get used to..
My girls are all loving and helpful. Being united again is doing good things for us all.
We have a new au-pair staying with us. It is a new reality for us, as it is new for her. We are still very much in survival mode, and are trying to make the best of the situation.

The Kids are starting school tomorrow. My Imma (mom) has been incredibly helpful getting all their School supplies (something that is somewhat of a nightmare for any parent..).
Today is the last day of vacation. I decided to stay home today, and we will try to do something all together for the first time this summer!
I pumped and left enough milk for Mia and Zoey and plan on calling to check in once every few hours. (Who am I kidding, prob. More like once every 20 minutes..).
After looking for our car keys for almost 2 hours, we gave up and borrowed my Abba’s (father) car. Here are the kids sleeping on the way to the beach.
Thank g-d for pain killers…
Wish us luck!

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