Home, but not quite yet

Being a Nicu mom is new territory.
It’s a new reality. My precious little tiny babies are in the incubators. Side by side. The first few days I couldn’t even touch them. They wanted them as undisturbed as possible. I saw their-oh so familiar movements from within. The stretching, kicking, even hiccups, yawns and smiles. At times they even open their eyes and look around. Observing, seriously contemplating their new existence.
On day 3 I got to hold them. I melted. A feeling of deep peace, calmness and oneness. It felt like they were back where they belonged. Every time I hold them I find myself in a deep relaxation that I’ve never before experienced. Each kangaroo time is about an hour. I hold them one at a time skin to skin. I feel their heart beating, their steady breathing, and they feel mine. My body heat regulated theirs. The nurses and I joke, and came up with the newest new age therapy: We call it ‘premie therapy’. I predict it’ll be the new fad…
I’m also learning what all the wires around them are. It looks scary but mostly they are wires to monitor their temperature and oxygen saturation. They also have an iv in and a feeding tube. They started out being fed through the iv. They also get meds through it. Even caffeine! (Can you imagine a caffeine drip? Heaven..!).
They are doing very well. I’m scared to say it. To write it. “Bli Ayin Harah”. Tfu Tfu.
They are feisty little survivers. The truth is they look like a cross between angry old men, aliens and monkeys…but they are beautiful and getting more beautiful by the minute. They already have clear personalities. Mia knows what she wants, and makes sure to let herself be known. The nurses say she’s very smart. Zoey is a chiller. Still blissfully unaware. She’s a cuddler. A sensitive soul. She needed a little help at first with the oxygen, and had a tube by her nose. Now she’s off the pressured air, and is getting a boost of air into her incubator. Both incubators are humidified. Padded. Over all seems nice and cozy.
They are off some initial meds, and are getting less and less through the iv, and more and more of my milk each day through the feeding tube. They both have a strong sucking reflex, and love their premie pacifiers. They are now gaining weight nicely. They both had uneventful brain scans.
Basically they are ‘ boring’. May it remain that way…
The nurses are very professional, loving and caring. They have their own nick names for them. They always handle them with love and respect.
The Doctors are devoted as can be. Smadar the head Doctor came down to L&D when I was in labor in order to prepare me, and to answer our questions. It made such a difference. Really lowered my anxiety towards this experience. Hilit, another dr. ends her shift by saying goodbye to each premie “don’t make me worried” she says as she parts with them. Apparently she has older twins of her own.
Yesterday I was discharged and came home. The night before was a transition out of maternity ward, and into the nearby hospital hotel. Chanan stayed with me. We ate a nice dinner together. I enjoyed about 5 bowls of soup. We both felt as if it was the first good meal we’ve had in a long time. We enjoyed each others company and got to talk and reconnect.
I pumped milk, and Chanan brought it to the girls, and got some of his own kangaroo time with Mia. I planned on going to see them at night, like I had done in the hospital. But, as soon as I got into bed, I realized how sore, tired, battered and achy my body was. I hadn’t really slept since before the birth. I put my head down, and had my first good nights sleep. Usually after my (natural) births, I get into bed and cuddle my baby. I don’t leave my bed for 2 weeks. As i instruct my birthing ladies. I think it’s so important to rest and heal after birth. This time I am up and down, going back and forth. Pumping every few hours, along with trying to recover from a c section. I’m apparently not allowing it to slow me down…my girls need me..!
After my good nights sleep, as soon as I walked into the Nicu, I started bawling. I had missed them so much! After holding them and getting a good report on them I was able to calm down.
I had my many staples removed yesterday. Such a relief. I feel like my body is starting to heal. I’m still taking pain meds, anything I do is too much. I try not to notice, while I’m with the girls. I wish I could just stay in bed..

Coming home last night was wonderful. My family worked hard all day getting the house ready for my return. It was beautiful. I got to eat dinner with them. Give them all good night kisses, and sink into my bed. Chanan gave me a much needed foot massage, and finally some water retention came down!

Now, it’s morning. Time to pump again, eat breakfast and head to the hospital to visit my Mia Bug and Zoey Bean.




8 thoughts on “Home, but not quite yet

  1. Thanks for this update and the pictures. I also had a preemie by c-section after a month in hospital, so I have some idea of how you are feeling. It was also the summer, so my other children (2 boys, one just 4 the other not yet 2) were home and needed me too, so I couldn’t spend all day visiting my baby. She was only 5 weeks early, just small for dates (1.4 kilo), so was home after a month. I remember once at my visiting time a doctor sent me out of the pagia because he had to do a procedure to another baby. I just went to the toilets and cried. B’ezrat Hashem, your sweet little babies will remain boring and feeder/growers so can come home as soon as possible. (My little baby is 16 now, just home from 3 weeks in England, her first holiday away from us).

  2. Such little beauties. I’m continuing to daven for them and also for you because I’m sure that you still need tefilos.

  3. Boring IS wonderful! May the girls continue to grow and develop as they should and you regain your strength to take care of your self and wonderful family. Love and prayers from your Baltimore cousins

  4. If I’m not mistaken, you were a “boring premie” and look how strong and healthy, bli eyin haraa, you ended up. OK, you were a bit bigger, but you were just one.

  5. Following you from the ttts hope and connections! I just started trying to make our blog today and I feel like I could just take this post and add it to ours. You explained everything so clear and accurate with my emotions and our girls as well! I am so glad your girls are tolerating feedings and having an uneventful nicu stay so far. You are strong! Its hard to stop and take care of yourself but keep putting yourself back in bed sometimes. I will tell myself I can only read your posts from bed! This way I’ll sit down too. Our girls turned a week old today, born at 29 weeks. They also have the same physical experience you described, but they are our beautiful fighters too! Thinking of your family all the way from Colorado! – Liz

  6. I love seeing other mothers have blogs about their journey – something i wish i had done when my twins arrived 2.5 months early! Good luck and stay strong… it is just SOOOOOOOOO worth it! Mine at almost 2 now!!!

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