Digging deep, yet again

I think I’ve been a little delusional.

Last week, after a good ultrasound and stable cervical length (for the 2nd week in a row). I was allowed to go home for Shabbat. I had a wonderful Shabbat at home. Pure bliss. Quiet family dinner. Kvelling over my kids. Lunch by friends. Couldn’t have asked for anything more.

This week, I’ve been feeling good. I’ve been allowing myself to do a bit more…
I went out yesterday to a lovely double birthday lunch with my mother in law and Chanan, who share a birthday. It was great. Good food. Good company. I was basking in the warm rays of sun. Enjoying the outdoor fresh air.

Last night I had my weekly “date” with Dr. G. I gave him this whole speech that I had written in my head all week long. How I’ve been feeling so good and have been off contraction medication, and how I should be going home and continuing bed rest there.
I need my kids, and they need me. I also know that despite my best efforts, when I’m home I end up doing a bit here and there. More than I should…
I still want to go home. I’ll do my very best. I’ll have help, and I know that Chanan will watch over me like a hawk.
Yuval listened intently. Then checked my Cervix. It had shortened. Substantially. He was worried. No talk of going home now. Might go back on contraction medication, and get another round of steroid shots…

It’s time for me to dig deep again. Release fear. Release control. Find more ko’ach. Back to strict bed rest, Laying down (I have been sitting up much more..).

I guess this coming Shabbat will be here. I will try to stop planning ahead.
B”h both of my babies are doing great. They both weigh over a kilo, and look happy and healthy.
I have the very important job of keeping them in. Keeping them happy and healthy. Praying that they stay safely inside. As long as possible.
Only i can solely do this. With Hashem’s help, and your prayers.
Thank you.

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4 thoughts on “Digging deep, yet again

  1. Your job is to keep hotel babies functioning until the young ladies are ready for air oxygen. Keep your feet up. In another year or two you’ll, G-d willing, be looking back, yearning for a bit of rest. Too bad you can’t store it.

  2. Dear Geuliyah,
    Really feel that frustration of having to do less, not yet being home. Such a hard and yet deep lesson to hold that all in and just be there for your as yet unborn babes while worrying and thinking of your already in the world babes. A test for sure – of faith, Emunah, perseverance and the letting go over and over again. My heart goes out to you, my tefilot are with you and yet you and only you can pull this off. Funny, just a bit, this seesaw-ing of holding on and letting go. I still find it a test for me in my ever-changing life and situations. If it helps at all, it is good to remember that our children choose us in Shamayim, according to the Holy Rizner. They actually need the tests of being raised by us, they need the challenges they have to face by growing in your family including not having you with them right now the way you are forced to be – away, not there and unable to care for their needs as you are wont to do and want to do! מה לעשות? That phrase plays over in my mind and now as it did when I spent 6 months mostly in and occasionally out in the hospital with my triplets. Seems so long ago, don’t think of it so often but my other kids still remind me of that time. My trips are 26 and I have other kids from age 29 to almost 35. So yeah, it definitely made an impact, but what do we know? Perhaps it is the very thing their neshamot need even if they are not into it any other way that we can see. But they did choose you and believe me, none of them regret their choice. I can see that without knowing them even, from their photos, from your words and your love for them. So hang in there. We are rooting for you. Anything out here you need, please let me know. My home away from home is Hadassa. Thinking of you, dovening for you, dedicating learning for you and just keeping your name there with Tehillim and tears.
    Love, leah

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