I am a vessel

Another week has come and gone. One more week under my belt. One more day of keeping the babies in. Every day is a mile stone.
Shabbat was interesting. Chanan came with my 2 youngest kids, and spent Shabbat with them at the hospital hotel. It was lovely seeing them for the entire Shabbat. They were desperate for some much needed solid Imma time.
It was very difficult though. The hospital is not a place for healthy, energetic little kiddies. It is frustrating how little I can do with them. Can’t lift them, can’t bend over to them. I can however still provide cuddles and kisses…
Fridays ultrasound was somewhat of a disappointment and a scare. I was praying that my cervix had possibly even lengthened, but unfortunately even with the hospital bed rest and meds, it has substantially shortened. I now have to rain laying down as much as possible. Sitting time is very limited. I’m still optimistic. Hoping and praying that my babies will cook for many more weeks. I’m doing all that is in my power. Having my mother take charge at home with my children helps me focus on my children within.
I received the steroid shots to help with their lung maturity on Friday and Shabbat.
Today we had a ‘support group’ in the ward of all the women that are on hospital bed rest. It was very encouraging meeting women who have been here 8 and 10 weeks and still holding their babes in. Granted, nobody else has 5 children awaiting them at home, during summer vacation…
Today, during Chanan’s visit (it is also his Hebrew birthday!) he had a minor break down. It is so hard for him. He is having trouble sleeping without me by his side. As am I…
Every day is a mile stone. Every day is one step forward.
Tomorrow I will have another ultrasound, I will update.
All your prayers, comments, and responses are tremendously helpful. I feel strong today. I feel that Hashem is carrying me and my babies through this. I feel like I am literally a vessel. It’s a strange feeling. I am not ill, yet I need to be here for my babies. I am a vessel My entire being is a uterus, nourishing my babies.

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2 thoughts on “I am a vessel

  1. don’t know if any of my comments are actually getting to you. i am very computer-challenged. but i do know about staying in the hospital to keep my babies in a very long time ago ( my triplets are 26!!). i still remember feeling lonely every night and wishing i could snuggle my hubby, my kids, just lay in my own bed. but every day and every night was another long time for me to get through and another whole day for my babes to grow and develop and form and become bigger. it is an awesome feat for a woman to have to be a vessel for so many neshamot. how amaing that Hashem has made you have to leave your kids at home while you help to incubate your yet unborn boobahs. and yet there is something so strong about a woman who can give up ehr own comfort and needs and totally dedicate herself to her children. what a fulfillment of the real vessel we are. at my first child’s birth – my one and only girl (somehow everyone was certain i had at least one or two girls in my triplet package) i really felt what it meant to be a vessel for her. i felt like her neshama was coming through me right at that moment as she came out of me. i have never forgotten that feeling. now, almost 35 years later i let myself feel it from time to time and try to continue to be a vessel for her, to be there. you have no idea how much all your children appreciate your determination, your strength and even your most broken moments. The chose you up there in Shamayim and they continually choose you over and over. that is how you know you can do this, how you can deal, how you can make and so can Chanan. i am in no way belittling the effort and the struggle. i spent 6 months in and out of the hospital and more in than ever out. i know it is hard. i cried, i prayed, ibegged hashem and still it was hard. but i know you can do it because yaour kids know you can do it. that is why they come to you. that is why they chose you. that is whay maybe Hashem chooses you. i feel your struggle and am crying with you. i know i cannot hel;p you much right now; i cannot come take care of your kids or organize your home. but i can cry and laugh and doven with you and send you good vibes and strength. thank you for sharing. love, love

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