Surrendering

Sunday. A new week has begun. Had a quiet Shabbat. Truthfully it felt so loooong and mostly boring. Happened to meet a friend who was hospitalized here over Shabbat, so we had meals together with our husbands.
Chanan took me out for an afternoon Shabbat stroll. It was lovely hearing kids laughter (even their cry) from the hospital playground. I really do miss my kids. Every time they come for a visit, my son Shalev (22 months) climes into bed with me, and lays on top of me, soaking me in. Pure Bliss…Yesterday, my Imma told me, he walked around the house, opening doors looking for me. I see how this situation is affecting each and every one of my beautiful children. My eldest is in New York visiting family. She feels very far away. She’s still able to console me… My 9 year old wants me home in bed, where she can check on me and take care of me. My 6 year old, said that she’s relieved that now we’ll be able to tell the babies apart…she now has scary dreams, last night, when Chanan stayed in the hospital with me, she called at 5 am to say she couldn’t sleep…My 4 year old is crying more, and has a hard time going to camp, which is worrisome especially because she is quite the social butterfly…
I know we will all make it. Even during this time that our home life and routine is so disrupted. I must trust in the strong foundation of love we’ve put down.

During Today’s ultrasound baby A looked good. Moving around a lot. Her signs of Anemia subsided. It’s hard, because every time we look at Baby A, there is baby B beside her. So close. Sometimes it looks like she’s moving. I know in my mind that that’s just the amniotic fluid rippling, but my heart takes a second glance.
I keep hoping that her heartbeat will miraculously appear. Hoping that my love for her, will be enough to somehow revive her. I think that perhaps only at the birth (which should be in a very long time, Be”h), when I see her, It’ll fully sink in that she is gone.
I’ve been on medication to stop contractions since the surgery.
Today’s ultrasound showed that my cervix has substantially shortened. Looks like I’ll be here for a while…I’m surrendering to it.

It’s hard attempting to run my household by remote control. I guess I shouldn’t try. I have to let go of control. My job is now watching over these babies inside, keeping them safe. Keeping them in. As long as I possibly can.
Please continue praying for us:
Geuliyah Shomrona Bat Leah Rachel
גאולה שומרונה בת לאה רחל

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3 thoughts on “Surrendering

  1. i am dovening for you and your babies and your family. sosawesome to remeber thinking that i had to totally give up all the things i would like to keep together and just work on keeping my babies in and safe. may Hashem answer all our tefillot and wishes for good. May this pregnancy be a beautiful experience of loving for you and your guy, your kids and the little ones inside of you. my heart aches for your loss and i pray you will be comforted. i have been dedicating my shiurim to your continued healing for you and all of yours. May this next time get deeper and deeper and more and more filled with nachat and joy, for you and for all of us.

  2. G-d willing, you should be safely and healthily pregnant for as long as your babies need you to be. Your big children will do well, since you are really with them strongly in spirit and phone calls.

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