Can’t seem to stop the tears

Today is a hard day. I can’t seem to stop the tears flowing down my cheeks.
I’m surrendering to them. I’m sad. Sad for my sweet baby B. I miss her movements. Her kicks. Her wiggling. It was always hard for me to tell if I was feeling baby A or B. Now it’s clear… I feel a void. In my uterus and in my heart. I feel empty. I know i am blessed with 2 more Neshamas living inside me.

I can’t help but wonder, what if…
I’m also scared. Worried about my other girlies inside. I still have such a long road ahead…
I miss my children at home. I’m also scared to go home.
I feel safe in the hospital. At home I always end up doing more than I should…I also drive everyone around me insane. Expecting the same high standard, I keep for the home. Nobody can stay on-top of the laundry, dishes, floors, bathrooms, kids quite like me. Actually my Mom comes pretty close…
Thank you Imma.
Chanan does his very best, which is really pretty great. But, you know, he’s still an Abba, not an Imma.
While at home, on bed rest, he would bring me up breakfast to bed every morning. Usually I couldn’t eat it. Sometimes he’d try and make me something else. Before he’d leave, he’d bring up a cooler full of options. So I had everything I might need right beside me. He really is the most thoughtful, loving, supportive husband (and father) I could imagine. He came with me to all my Dr. Appointments and ultrasounds. For all my pregnancies. We are partners.
In these last weeks he’s been juggling between his fathers hospital bed, my bed, and taking care of 5 kids. He never once complained.
Now, that he lost his Abba. I don’t even know if he’s had time or space to process. I’ve been so needy…
Of course, as any good jewish woman, I feel guilty about that as well. It’s been such a tough road. I hope we have the Koach (strength) to do this. Together.
I’m looking out the window at those majestic, hypnotic rolling green hills. Letting my soul soar with them.
I’m looking at a beautiful plant my Father bought me yesterday, to put in my hospital room. It does help. Somewhat…



14 thoughts on “Can’t seem to stop the tears

  1. I’ve been following your story silently and I am still having trouble finding the words to express how I feel. In the meantime, I just want you to know how sorry I am for your loss. We will keep praying.

  2. Your hormones “are doing the hula ” my husbands favorite pregnancy comment. You have been thru so much, anticipation, surgery, loss and the stress of not being home. There are no words to express what you continue to go thru. It will be a roller coaster. It is your ride to take, but what a ride. Shabbos should bring you menuchah and shalom. B’shaah tovah, we are all here rooting for all of you!

  3. We’re thinking of you and all that you are living through but you are strong and will come out OK. Love, Henny and Werner

  4. We are “journeying” together… :)… This is what I was reading this morning… When there is worry in man’s heart. he should suppress it, and let a good thing convert it to gladness. Mishlei 12:25. דְּאָגָה בְלֶב-אִישׁ יַשְׁחֶנָּה; וְדָבָר טוֹב יְשַׂמְּחֶנָּה. Blessings to you and the whole family.

  5. אני כל כך אוהבת אותך, חושבת עלייך ומתפללת עלייך כל הזמן. את מדהימה – איזה מסע מטורף?!?! אני מחכה מעכשיו שנשמע כל הזמן עדכונים שמחים ומרגשים. ובעז”ה נלד שוב כמעט ביחד…

  6. We are thinking of you and your family every day. Your strength and thoughtfulness are incredible. That, your family and your faith will continue to give you the support that you need.
    Shirley and Irving(Baltimore cousins)

  7. Geuliyah, although mine was not nearly as dramatic as yours because it was in the third month, the baby had died in utero but did not come out so they had to do a D&C. These comments are only because of things you have shared. In the recovery room, when I woke up from the anesthesia, I was tossing and turning and crying so hard, Marc asked, “Did it hurt (meaning the operation). “No,” I cried, “Not my body–MY HEART.” Just like you said, but not to compare, I felt the void and emptiness and my heart just ached and ached.

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