One day at a time

This post feels like the hardest one to write so far. As I write this, I have a contraction monitor strapped to my belly. I have been getting Zofran intravenously, but I’m still not able to keep anything down. So drained. I’m still very much in shock. a range of emotions passing through me. I go from crying, to feeling numb to using dark humor.
I haven’t been able to sleep these last nights in the hospital. My mind is racing. My heart pounding. Physically I’m wiped out as well.
I’m overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support around me. Even the Dr.’s, nurses, midwives that know me from doula’ing have been incredible, Sensitive and supportive. It turns out that the head nurse on shift yesterday, who I gave support to in her previous pregnancy, is pregnant again. She was counting on me to assist her again, I told her, that women apparently are and will have to manage without me…
Last night my friend, and soul sister, came to spend the night with me. Another close friend couldn’t stay away..and brought me a cozy soft down blanket that makes me feel at home, while in the hospital bed.
We cried, laughed, processed and talked practically through the night.
We took a stroll (me being pushed in a wheelchair) outside and sat by the grass. We called my Eldest daughter Shirel who is off visiting family in America, to tell her what happened. I could not believe how deep, wise and profound she is. So understanding. Only 12 and half, but wise beyond her years. She said “it’s ok Imma, it’s all in Hashem’s hands”.
Chanan only went home after midnight.
This morning 2 other dear friends came to hang out. They all escorted me, with Chanan, down to the ultrasound to check on baby A.
My wonderful Dr, Dr. G (Gialchinsky) Invited them in (after checking with me) to see the ultrasound. When I told him that I hadn’t been feeling baby A that day, only the night before, I saw the tension in his face. He was worried.
He is so sensitive. He automatically started the ultrasound with checking out baby C, So that way we would start out with good news. We immediately saw her heartbeat. As Dr G passed the ultrasound probe over baby B, it was clear that she was no longer with us, no flashing red and blue of the blood flow, no flutter of the chambers in the heart opening and closing. No kicking, punching or caressing her sister in the sack next door. And no heartbeat. It’s final and I’m going to have to accept it. Somehow.
As he moved to the right, to baby A, and we immediately saw her heart beating, Dr G actually breathed out an audible sigh of relief, while wiping off his brow. The bladder was visibly larger and flows in the umbilical cord and brain were looking ok. If baby A shows signs of anemia, she can get a blood transfusion directly into her cord. Modern medicine is mind blowing. We will follow up to see how my cervix is doing tomorrow. If things look good, there is a chance I’ll be able to go home, if I choose so.
I keep thinking of how baby A would feel growing up. Will she feel like there is something missing? Will she know what a wonderful sister she had? A sister that shared her DNA. A sister that held out till after surgery was done, and passed away with such grace, such delicate sensitive timing, that her passing would now, be”h have less of a detrimental affect on her identical twin. Baby B saved her sisters life.
How will I feel looking at my dear growing daughter, knowing that there is a carbon copy of her missing…
How will I feel carrying her still body inside me for the next few months?
Will there always be this void in my heart? I do feel Blessed though. Hashem has granted me with so much. Strength and Emunah that keep coming from an even deeper place. I feel this journey is my teacher. Making me grow. Be more precise. Forcing me to remove my klipot, my shells or masks. I expect the same from people around me. I am so sensitive at this time to energy. I want to be surrounded by truth and love.
Some people just don’t get it. Oh, I am brutally honest these days…So if I’ve been harsh to anyone, please forgive me.
This afternoon hit like a hurricane. My parents, brother in law, sister in law, nephew, mother in law and dear children all rushed in. It was wonderful seeing the gang, but I realized just how little energy I have. Even speaking is hard, when you’re struggling not to throw up.
Now, I do however, have beautiful pictures to hang around my room…
Hoping to finally clear my mind and sleep tonight, though my room mate’s husband who snores very loudly just walked in to spend the night. He wakes up at 5 am to go to work (after hitting snooze 10 times in a row..). Oy..
Feeling this bad physically and emotionally doesn’t give me much tolerance and I am biting Chanan’s head off every minute.
Did I mention how amazing he is? I promise to elaborate in my next post.
So for now, it’s not only one day at a time, it’s one minute at a time.

״לכל זמן ועת תחת השמיים..״
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14 thoughts on “One day at a time

  1. U guys are amazing
    So so sorry about your loss so sad.
    So happy that two are doing well and hoping u feel good soon….keep writing it is very inspiring….

  2. This is so beautiful. Your words brought tears to my eyes and can feel the emotions coursing through you. Thank you for sharing. Sending you loads of love and ease through this process. XO~ Joanne

  3. Geuliyah, I am shocked to my core at what you are experiencing right now, and so humbled at your courage to share your deepest pain with us. Thank you for opening my heart so big it hurts. Sending utmost love to you, dear one. Crying with you.

  4. Sending you love and strength. It is such a blessing to have emunah at a time like this.

    My friend’s baby was anemic and had 3 in-utero blood transfusions. B”H he is fine. Iy”H Baby A will be too, whether she needs a transfusion or not.

    I have a friend who lost one twin a year ago. We also often talk about whether her daughter goes through life feeling like something is missing.
    I’m sure she would be glad to talk to you if you ever feel like it.

  5. Certain losses cannot be soothed with words….so from my neshama to your neshama I am sending you love. And I will whisper a prayer on your behalf. May HaKadush Baruch Hu, send your uncompromising strength, emunah, bitachon, menuchas nefesh, patience and of course good health for you and your two babies, AMEN!!!

  6. Following your story. So sorry to hear of your loss. You are such a strong woman. may Hashem shine his grace upon you and your family. Keeping you in my prayers.

  7. I have been following your blog but have hesitated to leave a comment. there’s nothing worse than a stupid and insensitive comment at times like this. I can hear how emotionally and physically exhausted you are. I commend you for your strength when you feel so weak. My heart and prayers are with you, your budding babies and the rest of your family.

  8. My prayers are with you during this emotional time. You don’t know me, but I met you when you at your parents house in the merkaz aliyah when you came home from the hospital, a tiny preemie. Later I met you again when you and your then-new husband led a youth tour to my kibbutz. I was thrilled to see how well your life turned out and have used you as an example of for my son, a 25 weeker preemie who is a surviving twin (now 20 years old). You continue to inspire with your strength and belief. I wish you much patience, strength and love in the weeks to come.

  9. Geuliyah, you are one very strong and brave lady to be able to write these painful words so beautifully. I am in awe with you…May Hashem continue to looks after you, your husband and your little ones. Your doctors and nurses are HIS messengers,.

  10. Many people are davening for you, Geuliya, and your baby girls.
    May you all stay healthy and strong so they can be born at the perfect time.
    Refuah shalayma and besha’ah tova.

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